Epic Romance
by sparksflying
Summary: In the mood for an extremely OOC Hunger Games Romance Parody? Here's your story.
1. The Admirers

The following is a story of EPIC ROMANCE.

If you don't think you can handle EPIC ROMANCE, I'd advise you to click back and find some better Fanfiction to read.

The writing will not be top notch.

The characters will be totally OOC.

There will be too much fluff and absolutely no storyline.

But isn't that what you should expect from an EPIC ROMANCE?

* * *

"I will love you forever and ever and ever, Katniss," Gale says to me.

I know that he has just attempted to kill Peeta despite the fact that I told him not to, but I believe him. I know that there is no way that he is lying to me. Gale always tells the truth and he will love me forever and ever and ever. So I swing myself around him and hold onto his neck and thank him for his love.

"Thank you for your love," I say.

"You are very welcome Katniss. I will love you forever and ever ..."

"And ever," I finish sweetly for him. I love him forever and ever and ever too!

"Yeah!" he says, sounding suprised that I was able to finish the sentence for him. Maybe he thinks I'm reading his mind or something, but I'm not. I just figured that was what he was going to say.

"What about Madge?" I ask him.

His eyes look down to the floor and he lets go of me. I'm not very strong so I fall to the floor and start crying. He bends down and apologizes profusely for dropping me before saying that he has no feelings for Madge.

"I apologize profusely for dropping you!" he yells. "I have no feelings for Madge." His eyes are shifting around in their sockets. He looks to the left and then he looks to the right. This makes me think that he is lying about something. I realize what it is.

"You're not sorry for dropping me! You did it on purpose, didn't you?" I cry out.

"Umm. No," he says.

I break out crying again. This time before he can help me feel better, Peeta bursts into the room.

"Katniss!" he shouts and runs over to me. He punches Gale in the face because he's a man like that. He's my man. I realize that Gale isn't a good person. He is just another stupid admirer of mine. Like Haymitch, who has to drink because he just can't handle me when he's sober. Then there's Finnick who pretends to love someone else because he doesn't want me to realize that he loves me. He doesn't know I'm smart enough to see it underneath his disguise. Of course you can't forget Cato- he died for me! And then Madge, who may be a girl, but I can tell there was something in that kiss on the cheek and how upset she was when I was leaving for the Hunger Games the first time. My admirers are pathetic.

"Peeta!" he comes towards me and I start smiling. "I love you forever and ever and ever!"

Peeta just rolls his eyes, frowns, and looks away from me. I know he's not really into romance, but I don't care. I lavish tons of love on him, telling him how much I love him. He gets tons of hugs and even more kisses and he just stands there, not saying anything. When I'm done and tired out from all the love I've given him, he looks at me and says, "Ok."

Then we walk away into the distance, slowly, with happy music playing in the background.

* * *

**A/N: Wasn't that the best ever? Only kidding. But I was bored, so I decided to write this pointless parody. Hope you enjoyed!**


	2. Deciding Love

I am sitting alone in a chair. This is something I'm not used to. My admirers are almost always fawning over me. I wonder if they ever think that I have the ability to love them back. Well I have some bad news for them because today, I'm in love with Mr. Mellark. He's strong, handsome, good with bread- three things I look for in a man. Plus, he's the father of that Peeta character. Peeta may ignore me, give me dirty looks and avoid me, but I know that he still loves me. My mom says that those are all tell-tale signs that a boy likes you, so it's quite obvious that he does.

After I figured out that I was in love with Mr. Mellark, I decided that sitting alone in a chair would be a good course of action. I know that it will take no time at all for Mr. Mellark to realize that he loves me back. I expect him here in a few minutes. The only issue is that he has a wife and three sons, but I figure that our love will get over this little problem. Every true love does.

It's been ten minutes and there still is no sign of Mr. Mellark, so I quickly give up on him and move to his oldest son, Morrison. I know that Morrison is really stubborn and boring, but he's SUPER hot. I figure it's all worth it. I'm waiting for six minutes and twenty-four seconds when someone walks in the room. To my dismay, it's not Morrison, it's Jamie Mellark. I shrug and think to myself that Jamie is kinda funny and cute, so maybe he is an option. I forget about Morrison, jump up and wrap my arms around him.

"Oh Jamie!" I yell. "I've been waiting for you- sitting alone... in this chair!" I point to the chair I was sitting on.

He backs away a bit and pulls my arms off of him. Another sign my mom pointed out! "Umm... I've got to go," he says backing away from me. "Lots of uh, bakery work!" He looks completely nervous.

"Come back," I say to him. "I'm not going to bite." I flash him a smile and his eyebrows shoot up in suprise.

"Um. Ok." He gives in and comes next to me.

Then I get a good idea. We should sing to each other! So I look at him and start reciting these lyrics that come to mind:

"Maybe it's intuition

But some things you just don't question

Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant

And there it goes I think I've found my best friend

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy

But I believe I knew I loved you before I met you

I think I dreamed you into life

I knew I loved you before I met you

I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason

Only the sense of completion

And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I'm searching for

I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy"

"Heck yeah!" he yells while I sing.

I give him a dirty look and continue, "But I believe I knew I loved you before I met you

I think I dreamed you into life

I knew I loved you before I met you

I have been waiting all my life."

"Alright," Jamie starts. "That was extremely weird, I won't lie."

I get upset. "Oh yeah! Then I take it back! Leave!"

* * *

Now I'm sitting in the same chair, once again, alone. I'm going through all the guys in my head and I just can't find anyone to love. Ultimately I decide on Cinna, even though he's like so weird with his designing, I think he must like me because he dresses me and sees me naked and stuff, so that's a start. Yes, Cinna is a good pick.

And so I wait.


	3. No One Cares

That's it. I'm officially done with guys. Forever.

Today I had a fitting with Cinna and he was dressing me into this awful looking fire costume. Yeah. Not fun. I couldn't exactly slip in an "I love you" while he was suiting me up for the circus. So after my rejection from Cinna, I decided that maybe all this romance wasn't my thing. It seemed like no one liked me anymore. It's such an unusual feeling, the feeling of not being liked. I've never experienced it before so when it hit me today that no one was paying a bit of attention to me, I nearly cried, right then and there in front of Cinna. He saw my eyes watering and wiped my tears for me with a napkin, not bothering to ask me why I was feeling upset. He doesn't care for my feelings. No one does.

Soon, Cinna was done with the fitting and I went off to do some kind of interview. I didn't put on a smile or good performance because I figured that no one watching even cared about me. Figures. The host asks me some questions and I reply with short answers like, "Yes," "No," and "Not if I'm dead." It doesn't affect anyone. That leads me to conclude that no one would care if I died. Oh, the deep, dark, awkward spiral my life has fallen into! I'm headed for destruction!

Once the interview was over, I went outside and sat by a flower garden. Funny enough, the Peeta person comes out and sits next to me. He opens with, "What's your problem?"

I place my head in my hands and start to cry. I move to the side to lean on Peeta's shoulder, but he moves away quickly and my head falls onto the concrete. Not the best feeling.

Suddenly there are noises coming from behind my back. A pair of bikers are riding through the area and they look straight at me. One of them shouts to the other, "Oh my gosh! It's Katniss Everdeen!" The other biker stops short and hops off his bike to come press his face against the face that separates Peeta and me from the two bikers.

The second biker says, "She made such a fool of herself today... Caeser asked her if she was okay and she answered, 'not if I'm dead.'" The pair snicker.

"Seriously?" the first biker asks incredously.

"Yeah! It was pretty funny and stupid at the same time," the second biker answers.

"Tell me about it," the first biker says offhandedly. "There's no way that's Katniss though. She wouldn't be out in public. She's probably rooted in her room counting out her shoes. Something went wrong with her mind."

The second biker laughs and says something back, but I don't hear as they've returned to the bikes and are beginning to ride off. I look to Peeta to see his reaction, but he appears to be biting his fingernails and it doesn't seem like he's heard them at all. I slap Peeta and he looks back to me in suprise.

"What?" he asks, lowering his nails to stop chewing them.

"Ugh." I moan and jump off the ground. I stomp right up to my room and lay down on the bed. With nothing else to do, I open up my closet and pull out my shoes.

"One, two, three..."


	4. Share the Epic Romance

"493."

I'm sitting in my room. All of my shoes have filled up the floor of the room and I'm sitting there, ready to cry. I didn't even make it to 500 pairs. I hear that the average Capitol citizen has 530 and I am far above an _average_ Capitol citizen. Everyone is supposed to be in love with me. That's when I remember that everyone doesn't. In fact, everyone hates me. Yes, that's it. Everyone hates me. I wonder what would happen to the world is I committed suicide. I contemplate the possibility of burying myself under all of my shoes and suffocating myself, but then I realize that this wouldn't be a pleasant way to die and I want my death to be a pleasant experience.

It's at this thought that there is a knock on my door. I moan in response and the door cracks open, moving some shoes out of the way of the door. They pile up and jam into the wall. Madge walks in. "Hey, Katniss," she says with a harsh tone. "What's going on in here?"

"I was... not doing anything," I tell her, deciding at the last second it would probably be best to hide from her that I was counting my pairs of shoes. I fear that if she knew I was counting them, she would ask how many I had and then she'd judge me to be less than average. "Madge, I feel like everyone hates me."

"I don't hate you," Madge admits, looking at me with a look I can only associate with extreme desire and longing. I realize at this moment that she's been in love with me the whole time. I must have liked her too because it feels so natural. You know, being alone in a room of shoes with Madge. She looks comfortable too as she scrunches up her nose and rolls her eyes.

"If you don't hate me," I begin, "will you be my girlfriend?"

Madge has been looking at her feet, but as I say this, her head shoots up and she looks at me with a look of surprise. "You want to... date me?" she says, completely shocked.

"Sure. I really need someone to share all this epic romance with!" I tell her.

She considers it for a bit and places her hand on her face before turning to me and saying, "You know what? I need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to date! I need to dance! I need to go to the public supermarket for once instead of sending a housemaid to fetch my milk for the fear of mothers dragging down their daughters in the aisle and the little girls staring at me! You feel me?"

"Yeah!" I yell, then I pause briefly. "Well, um, no, not really. But if it means that you're going to date me, then yeah, I get it! You should go for it. Come on!" I tell her.

"Alright. Yes. I will."

"Good."

I wait for ten seconds and look at her. "Umm... so now what do we do?"

"Absolutely nothing, I guess," she answers.

"That works for me."


	5. Relationship Progresses

"Katniss, I found a rat in my stew, today," Madge says to me over the phone. Her voice is full of disgust, which I would assume is from the rat, but for some reason, it offends me.

"Well, I'm sorry!" I tell her, letting my slight offense be evident in my tone of voice. I'm suddenly hoping that she will question why I'm upset about what she's just told me, but it's as if I can hear her shrug over the phone as she moves onto the next topic of discussion.

"I was thinking about going shopping. What do you think?" she asks me.

I take a good look down at my fingernails. Sometimes I feel like my fingernails can tell the future for me. If they are a darker red-ish shade, it means that I shouldn't say yes to anything that could be potentially dangerous. If they are extremely pale and close to white, there is a chance that there may be a llama in the vicinity. Right now, they are a light pink which means that I should be spending time with Madge. "I'd love to go shopping with you!" I tell her, perking up now that I know that I should be with her. You can never disobey the nails. Besides, spending time with Madge may give us the opportunity to have our first touch.

Madge and I have discussed this before. The first touch is extremely important. It should be in the right place, somewhere like the shin or ear. I told Madge that I want our first touch to happen, but she is hesitant to do it because she feels that if we have our first touch, it might lead to our second touch and then the third touch until we bump it up to second base - looking into each other's eyes. She's not sure she's ready for it just yet, but I think she'll come around. It's so amazing that our relationship is progressing at such a rapid level. Before too long, I expect us to ask each other personal questions like "What's your favorite color?" and "Do you feel guilty for thinking that your male cousin is hot or your female cousin is pregnant?"

I won't lie though, relationships are as tough as a fake diamond that actually turns out to be a real diamond that you sell on eBay for a really expensive price after you purchase it at the dollar store and then cannot believe your eyes when it doesn't break after you slam it against the wall because you just thought about your mother flirting with your boyfriend. I would know. And before you ask, yes, I have been in a relationship before. It was a brief fling with my father, but it's alright now because he has passed on. Bless his heart.

I pull on some clothes just for Madge and then walk out of my room. That's when I realize that I had been talking to her on the phone when I went into a long narration and forgot about our conversation. I run back into the room, pick the phone back up, and say, "Madge, are you still there?"

"I figured you had just zoned out," she said.

"It happens," I tell her.

"So I'll see you outside your room in about twenty seconds," she tells me.

"Sounds good!" I say, jumping up and down and accidentally hitting the end button with my cheek. I watch the clock on the wall for exactly twenty seconds and then I swing open the door to find Madge there waiting for me.

She is looking down at the ground, but then she quickly flits her eyes up and shouts, "Time for an Epic Date!"

"YES," I shout like I've just scored a new high score in a video game that dates back to the Dark Days. "Let's go!"


End file.
